Biggest Fear

As I am currently typing this, I am 30 weeks 3 days pregnant with our Rainbow baby Caleb. As the weeks get closer and closer to 37, I have a fear that I don't want to relive. It haunts me each and everyday, but I do not let it take over my pregnancy. I have celebrated each and everyday I have Caleb growing inside me and I thank God each and everyday for that. 

My fear of approaching 34 weeks and going through another loss kills me as we draw near to 34 weeks. I went into the hospital when I was pregnant with Isabella at 34 weeks 3 days and I'm terrified of 34 weeks. It brings anxiety, worry, and this terrible fear that I do not want to replay again. I bring it up each and every time to my OBGYN, and she is always reassuring me that we will be taken care of and monitored each week. She always tells me I can go to the hospital if I have any concerns, but that does not seem to me enough for me mentally sometimes. I'm terrified to death and I just want to get past the 34 week mark, but of course anything could happen after that as well. I just want to embrace and celebrate each and everyday left of my pregnancy without fear, but after loosing Isabella it is hard to have that mindset sometimes. 

I am very thankful that I have a very wonderful, supportive fiancé. Ryan has been my rock through this whole pregnancy. We have had some pregnancy scares with Caleb and I try to stay calm and when I hear worry in his voice it brings my heart to my knees knowing that he feels the same fears but does not share them with me. I have to hear his fears through his voice or his facial expressions. We are both scared,but he doesn't show it. He tries to stay strong for me.  Ryan has helped me through my darkest days and he continues to each and everyday. I am so blessed and thankful for him each and everyday. 

I know we can not let this fear take over us. After experiencing a loss, you tend to take every precaution and worry about each and every little thing in your pregnancy. It is not a bad thing to do, but any parent that has experienced a loss tends to think this way as well. We tend to let the fear take over us at times but have to remind ourself that everything will be fine and trust in your body.