Isabella's Birth Story Part II

As promised... Part II

 Sunday was my last meal, before they started my induction. The doctor did not want to give me a cesarean section, as she was concerned that those scars would also leave emotional scars on me. March 4 comes and I’m still waiting for her arrival. The doctor wanted to try cervidil and if that did not work the last thing would be a foley catheter bulb.  I remember having family in and out of the room, but I was on some pain medication that I just remember seeing faces and do not remember conversations. My heart ached and I just wanted all the pain to go away so I could hold her and spend all the time I could with her. 12:30AM on March 5^th, it is time to push. After waiting for everyone, I requested for epidural. I dilated so fast, that I only received a small dose. I wanted a drug free labor, but I wanted to meet my angel and I wanted the pain I was in to just go away. Isabella Grace Bolanos was born sleeping on Tuesday March 5, 2013 at 1:04am weighing 4 pounds 7 ounces and 18 ½ inches long. I will never forget that moment when the doctor laid her on my chest and I stared at her. Hoping for a miracle, I prayed that I would wake up from my bad dream. I counted her toes, fingers, kissed her and cried. Why, did my daughter leave us so soon? I had a wonderful nurse the last two nights and she helped welcome Isabella into the world. I think of her as my guardian angel. She was by my side whenever I needed her and cried with us. She became part of our family. She laughed and cried with my family, and said she would think about us each and everyday from here on out. She told me that she has experienced this with other patients, but I was one of her patients that stood out and impacted her for the rest of her life. She was my angel before I had met my other sweet angel that would live in my heart for as long as I live. I had a wonderful hospital team that wanted to pray and help us heal during this time. I held Isabella and took her to my post-partum room and spent as much time with her as I could. They told me she was mine until it was time to leave the hospital and I had to let the medical examiners take her. She should not be mine for this short time; she should be mine forever. I should be taking her home with me, and not have to give her to a medical examiner. I think about her each and everyday. I sleep with her monkey that we got for her when we found out we were expecting. Our lives will never be the same. We lost our daughter, but gained our guardian angel. She impacted so many people while she was growing inside me, and I will never forget all the memories I made with her and her daddy Ryan. We will always be a family of three, and she is still our daughter. She made us parents, and because of her, we are stronger than we will ever be.

Isabella's Birth Story Part I

Return to Zero is a movie that is currently trying to get to Hollywood. Return to Zero is based on a family that experiences a stillbirth and has to go through all the grieving, and loss. They are also writing a book, and asking for articles, poems, photography, etc. I thought it would be nice for me to submit our story, in hopes that it gets chosen to be in the book. We will find out October 15th if we made it. 

So now I share with you the first part of our story. I will post up part II tomorrow. (It is quite long, and I apologize)

March 2, 2013 was the last time I felt her move. I went to bed knowing that she was doing well after feeling those kicks. It was probably 3AM when I jumped out of bed sweating, scared, after a terrifying dream. I nervously went back to sleep holding my stomach tight. 6:30 AM the alarm sounds for work and I felt no movement. Isabella had a routine, each day when it was time to get ready for work she would kick my right side as I laid on my left. This morning, I felt fear inside of me, and no movement. Call it mother’s intuition. I pulled out my Doppler and searched every inch of my 34-week bump and could not find her heartbeat. Tears rolled down my worried face, as the feeling of loosing Isabella kicked in. I immediately reached for my phone and texted Ryan that something was wrong with Isabella. He told me to call the doctor and that everything would be all right. His words gave me hope that everything would be fine. Hearing dead silence through the phone while the answering service tried to reach the doctor had to have been the longest hour of my life. I was dressed for work, and drove while waiting to speak to the doctor. I made it inside my job, hysterical that I had to leave because something was wrong and I wanted them to see that I was in no condition to be at work. Turns out, I was scheduled to close and not open. I finally spoke to the doctor who appeared worried but tried to stay as calm for me. I drove myself to the hospital. March 3, 2013 is a day I will never forget. I went up and they put me in triage and tried to find Isabella’s heartbeat. It took two nurses, and nothing. They kept reassuring me that she was fine and they were going to order a sonogram to find her heartbeat. I put on a hospital gown and waited for my doctor to arrive as well as the sonogram technician. The sonogram machine rolls in and behind is the doctor. She is whispering to the sonogram technician and I glance up at the screen and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I notice Isabella’s heart is still, still like everyone in the room. The doctor walks around to the left side of the bed, and just stared into my eyes and says, “I’m sorry, it seems we have lost her”. I scream inside and out. I’m alone, waiting for Ryan to arrive. How could this be? I just felt her kick the night before and now she is gone. The doctor takes my phone to call Ryan’s’ mom and I call my parents historically crying. My family immediately drove three hours to Houston to be my support through this time. I received a donated bear from a nurse, and I cried. How could this be happening? That is all I kept screaming out loud and inside of my head. I stared at that bear, held it tight till Ryan and his mom arrived. That was the only thing I had left at that moment. My baby had been taken from me and I didn’t even get a chance to experience late night feedings or diaper changes.

To Be Continued........

So it Begins

This is our first post!! I'm so excited to be taking this journey with Ryan as we cope with loosing Isabella and continue our journey into pregnancy after loss. We wanted a place that we can share our experience with others out there and share our story. We read about miscarriges, stillbirths, and infant loss and we do not think it will happen to us. I remember reading about all this, and the thought of it scared me to death. This was one of my biggest fears in the beginning of my pregnancy with Isabella. I was worried before the 12th week mark and after I passed that my fears lessened. When I didn't feel here move, I would pull out my doppler to here her heartbeat and that gave me a sense of reassurace that she was doing alright in there. 

We wanted to share this new journey with everyone. Ryan and I wanted a place that we can share our story about Isabella as well as our rainbow baby. We are beyond blessed to be expecting February 2014, but of course the fears are still with me. I'm terrified of the thought of loosing this baby, and hope and pray for a miracle. I have a great doctor that is taking every precaution necessary to make sure that baby and I are safe. 

I will be sharing more of our story soon, but I just wanted to say Hello as we start this new journey.