Baby Flutters

15 Week Bump Date

How far along? 15 weeks 6 days

Total weight gain: I haven't weighed myself, but I think I probably gained 1-2lbs. at most. 

Maternity clothes? Officially in all maternity clothes! I still use my pre-pregnancy shirts though. 

Stretch marks? Still the same ones from before on my girls! 

Sleep: I have been sleeping pretty good. I wake up 1 time in the middle of the night to use the ladies room and then it takes me a few minutes to go back to bed. I have been sick this week, so it's been a little difficult to fall asleep or get any sleep at all. 

Best moment this week: Feeling more of Baby B's flutters and even starting to feel my stomach move a little bit. We also sewed a blanket for him, so this was something very special Ryan and I did just for our little Peanut. 

Miss Anything? Not really! 

Movement: Yes!! Baby B is starting to move and those little flutters are starting to turn into small, soft kicks.  

Food cravings: Anything salty/sweet

Anything making you queasy or sick: It varies, but I do get sick every now and then. 

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!

Labor Signs:  No labor signs for a long while

Symptoms: Round ligament pains every now and then; I'm starting to get acne on my face and some other red blemishes on my right cheek. 

Belly Button in or out? Still an innie 

 Engagement Ring on or off?  It's still on!! 

Happy or Moody most of the time:  I have been happy; even though I have been sick. Surprising, right? I have been in a really great mood and I'm sure Ryan is pretty happy about that. 

Looking forward to:

Seeing Baby B for my 17 week appointment and then again for our 20 week anatomy scan. I'm also looking forward to stronger kicks. I can't wait till he starts kicking me harder and gets into a routine. 

Thoughts: 

I have let nothing but hope, and faith overcome this pregnancy. I want to cherish each and every moment with my sweet baby boy and I look forward to the day when I get to meet him. I was scared, and fearful in the beginning but soon realized that I can't let fear get in the way of this pregnancy. After reading "Celebrating Pregnancy Again" by  Franchesca Cox it made me want to start this blog and document my journey with Isabella as well as this new journey with Baby Peanut. I also read some other great ideas, and hopefully I will share those with you soon. 

This is the blanket that Ryan and I sewed for Baby Peanut

I have been sick, but love my growing bump! 

In case you missed our 15 Week Bump Date Vlog, you can find it here (Please excuse me though, I have been sick and wanted to record before I turned 16 weeks!)

Letter's to Baby Peanut

  That little faint pink line, gave me hope. Hope that God had given us a second chance on life. Loosing your sister was the hardest thing your father and I had to ever endure. That pink line gave me a sense of fear, hope, and excitement. Fear of losing something we wanted so bad, and prayed for. Hope, that our little miracle could be in our arms after 9 months. Excitement, being a mom again and carrying another life made me feel whole again. You my child, you are what we are waiting patiently for. 

  Those strong 150 Beats per minute remind me that everything is ok, and you are growing just fine in your home. A home that I have for you to be safe, and feel comforted by. Those little flutters, I’m sure I felt bring tears to my eyes knowing that one day they will get stronger, and when you are out of your home, I look forward to kissing those tiny little toes. You, my child are everything to us. 

  Your daddy kisses you each and everyday, he can’t wait to meet you and kiss you. You are our anchor, our life. It’s you that we pray for each and every night. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Safe in your home, until it’s time to come out and meet us. When that day comes, your new home will be filled with love, and laughter. You have so many people that cannot wait to meet you. You, my little man are everything to us, you will be safe in your home until it is time for you to make your grand appearance. Until then, we pray for you while I hold my tummy that is forever your home until you are in our arms. 

 The fear of loosing another child is my biggest fear, but I know you are safe and the doctors have a plan just like God had a plan for your sweet Big Sister. I pray each and everyday for your and your sister. She has blessed us with you, and now she is watching over us. She gives me hope, and every time I speak her name it's part of my healing. Sweet little man, know that you are loved, fearfully and wonderfully made and you have an angel watching over you. 

Xoxo, 

   Mommy

14 Week Bump Date

How far along? 14 weeks 5 days

Total weight gain: 2 lbs. so far

Maternity clothes? Officially in all maternity clothes. I still use my pre-pregnancy shirts though.   

Stretch marks? Just the few I had on my girls up top. I have been putting Cocoa Butter, so hopefully I'm lucky again to not get any. 

Sleep: I have been sleeping pretty good. I have been getting up around 2:30-3:30am to use the restroom, but I fall back to sleep pretty quickly. 

Best moment this week: Just seeing my stomach grow, and everyone noticing at work congratulating me.  

Miss Anything? Not really! 

Movement:  I think I have felt some flutters. It's so hard to tell since I didn't really know how they felt with Isabella and I thought I felt flutters since it felt different than gas and if I remember that feeling correctly, I have definitely felt Baby Peanut already.

Food cravings: Anything salty/sweet

Anything making you queasy or sick: It's always random smells, or talk about some weird food or something that start getting me nauseated. Lately, at restaurants any little thing will start making me feel nauseated. 

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!

Labor Signs:  No labor signs for a long while

Symptoms: Just some round ligament pains every now and then due to my growing tummy; I'm tired, but don't feel as tired as last week. I think my energy level is starting to pick back up.

Belly Button in or out? Still an innie 

 Engagement Ring on or off?  It's still on!! 

Happy or Moody most of the time: I’m beyond happy!! I do have my days when I start thinking ahead and Ryan and I discuss future plans about breastfeeding, late night diaper changes I get scared. I will discuss more in my Thoughts. 

Looking forward to: Our 15 week doctors appointment. My doctor seems to want to see me every two weeks since I am High Risk this time around, so she is checking on me more often. I don't mind at all since we get to hear baby boy and possibly even get to see him. This appointment should be about our consult with the MFM. 

Thoughts: 

As mentioned above, I do get scared when I start thinking ahead. I'm scared that I won't get a chance to experience all the late night feedings and diaper changes; but I know with prayer, God will watch over us as well as my great team of doctors. 

If you have experienced a pregnancy after loss, have you had any of these feelings? 

13 Week Bump Date

How far along? 13 weeks

Total weight gain: I lost 1 lb. but I'm sure I gain that 1 lb. back after seeing the Doctor. 

Maternity clothes? All my bottoms are now maternity. I am using a mix of my pre-pregnancy shirts as well as some maternity shirts. Ryan's cousin was so generous and gave me some of her maternity clothes, so I have been using that as well.   

Stretch marks? Just the few I had on my girls up top

Sleep: I have been sleeping pretty well. I do find myself tossing and turning at times, but I go back to sleep pretty quick. I have been using my kidney bean maternity pillow, and that has helped so much. 

Best moment this week: Being able to see Baby Peanut at our 1st Trimester screening!! It's so crazy how fast our little one is growing! 

Miss Anything? Not really! 

Movement:  I haven’t felt any movement yet. Hopefully in the next coming weeks! I can’t wait!!

Food cravings: Cake, anything salty/sweet

Anything making you queasy or sick: It's always random smells, or talk about some weird food or something that start getting me nauseated. 

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!

Labor Signs:  No labor signs for a long while

Symptoms: Just really exhausted and sleepy. I don't know if I am lacking so type of vitamin, but I have no energy AT ALL!! 

Belly Button in or out? Still an innie 

 Engagement Ring on or off?  It's still on!! 

Happy or Moody most of the time: I’m beyond happy!! I have to say I have my moody/emotional moments as well, especially when I come home pretty exhausted and tired. The tiredness, doesn't help my mood!! (Sorry Ryan!)

Looking forward to: My consultation with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor on Friday. I have so many questions, and I just want to make sure we have a successful and healthy pregnancy. I am also looking forward to my 15 weeks visit with my OBGYN! We will get to hear our Sweet Boy's heartbeat and hopefully see him with a sonogram. 

Thoughts:

I am pretty a little emotional here and there. I am trying to embrace this pregnancy as much as possible, and so far I am. I just have my days were fear takes over me and I start thinking of the worst. I just don't want to have to relive everything we have been through again. I know that we have great doctors looking out and doing the best they can as well as God. We are leaving it to him, he gave us this miracle. I pray to him each and everyday that he doesn't take this gift he has given me away. 

13 Week Profile 

Hope you have a great week and don't forget to check out Little Baby Bump Vlog for my week 13 Bump Date on Youtube!! 

12 Week Bump Date

How far along? 12 weeks

Total weight gain:  Still at the same weight I was before. I still had 8 lbs. left to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight after Isabella. Now, the pre-pregnancy weight will have to wail till after February 2014. :)

Maternity clothes? I am officially back in my maternity pants. My jeans still fit, but I want to be comfortable at work so that is a better option. I can still fit in my tops, so I vary from pre-pregnancy to maternity tops.   

Stretch marks? I didn't get any stretch marks with Isabella on my stomach. I did get some on my breast. So I noticed those are starting to come out and more and coming in. I hope I'm lucky enough again to not get stretch marks with this pregnancy.  

Sleep: I have been sleeping pretty well. It takes me a little while to go to bed. I sometimes toss and turn,but I think I'm sleeping pretty good. I don't get up for restroom visits too much.  

Best moment this week: Hearing Baby Peanut's heartbeat at home. It always gives me some reassurance when I want to make sure baby is doing well. 

Miss Anything? Not really! 

Movement:  I haven’t felt any movement yet. Hopefully in the next coming weeks! I can’t wait. 

Food cravings: Fruit; Twinkies; chili cheese fries; grape slush from Sonic 

Anything making you queasy or sick:  I still get nauseated every now and then, but nothing in particular making me sick. 

Gender: We have an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor on 8/8/13. Hopefully we might be able to see what Baby Peanut is. 

Labor Signs:  No labor signs for a long while

Symptoms: Just really exhausted and sleepy. Nauseated every now and then as mentioned above.    

Belly Button in or out? Still an innie 

 Engagement Ring on or off?  It's still on!! 

Happy or Moody most of the time: I’m beyond happy!! I have to say I have my moody/emotional moments as well. 

Looking forward to: Our 13-week appointments. We are meeting with a Genetic Counselor, 1st Trimester Screening, and then an OB visit. 3 appointments in one day is pretty crazy, but I'm looking forward to seeing Peanut! 

Thoughts:

I have been pretty emotional lately. I just hope and pray that this little miracle will arrive safely in our arms. I'm just scared for Ryan and I to have to go through such pain and heartache again, but I know the doctor is sending me to a Maternal Fetal Medicine facility and that I will be monitored a lot more this pregnancy. I love this baby so much, and hope I get to hold our Little Peanut in our arms after he/she takes that first breath of air. 

Be on the look out for our 13 week Vlog as well as a 13 week post on Wednesday!!

Love Letter's to Bella

To My Little Pumpkin,

It's your Auntie Bianca. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder how you would look today. What crazy outfit your mommy would put you in; how big you would be; or who you would look like? Most of all, that cute smile that was given to you. But you're gone. You were too beautiful for this crazy world. I thought about how I would be taking you to your first football game to see Uncle Charles; all the gifts and football tees you would have right about now! You will and always are my god daughter. I hold you close to my heart and know that you are the best gift given to us, even in heaven. I love you to the moon and back.

An Auntie's Journey Through Grieving Part I

I had mentioned starting a new blog a while back, and when I mentioned it to my sister I asked if she would be interested in sharing her thoughts and experience with the grieving process. She was 100% on board with this idea. 

Today I bring you our first edition of An Auntie's Journey Through Grieving. 

Bianca will share her thoughts, experience from the time she found out about everything up until the present. I'm so excited to have her share her words.

Coping with loss is a bit different for me. When I got that call at 8:00 in the morning, I felt as if I lost a figment of life. As much as I was hurt, Charles told me "What if there's a glitch?" "What if Rochelle is just under stress?" "I'm sure the baby is ok!" As much as I wanted to believe him, I could not. Then our mom calls me,   hysterical...."She's gone!!" "What do you do when your sister is hurt?" "What do you do when innocence is taken?" "How do you deal with it?" I tend to keep it inside and be there for my loved ones, and I did. Rochelle wanted me to go Houston that day, but I could not find it in me to be strong, and it hurt. The one time my sister needed me, I could not be there. I did not want to accept the fact that my god daughter was gone. The face time calls were replaying in my head. Rochelle and I would face time and I would talk to Bella and Rochelle. While talking to her, Rochelle said she would kick. That was the best feeling! My sister is my best friend and then to be able to connect with Isabella was the best. Here we are four months later, with Rochelle and Ryan expecting again. When she told me, the feelings were bitter-sweet. I was happy for them; not only are they getting their second chance, but so am I. My only concern was I do not want to relive that phone call, or the feeling. I just want to know she and my god child are in good hands and will be monitored more carefully. In my planner I would jot done Rochelle's cravings, mood and write a little love note for Bella. 

Bianca will be sharing her Love Note to Bella tomorrow!! So come back and check it out!

Isabella's Birth Story Part II

As promised... Part II

 Sunday was my last meal, before they started my induction. The doctor did not want to give me a cesarean section, as she was concerned that those scars would also leave emotional scars on me. March 4 comes and I’m still waiting for her arrival. The doctor wanted to try cervidil and if that did not work the last thing would be a foley catheter bulb.  I remember having family in and out of the room, but I was on some pain medication that I just remember seeing faces and do not remember conversations. My heart ached and I just wanted all the pain to go away so I could hold her and spend all the time I could with her. 12:30AM on March 5^th, it is time to push. After waiting for everyone, I requested for epidural. I dilated so fast, that I only received a small dose. I wanted a drug free labor, but I wanted to meet my angel and I wanted the pain I was in to just go away. Isabella Grace Bolanos was born sleeping on Tuesday March 5, 2013 at 1:04am weighing 4 pounds 7 ounces and 18 ½ inches long. I will never forget that moment when the doctor laid her on my chest and I stared at her. Hoping for a miracle, I prayed that I would wake up from my bad dream. I counted her toes, fingers, kissed her and cried. Why, did my daughter leave us so soon? I had a wonderful nurse the last two nights and she helped welcome Isabella into the world. I think of her as my guardian angel. She was by my side whenever I needed her and cried with us. She became part of our family. She laughed and cried with my family, and said she would think about us each and everyday from here on out. She told me that she has experienced this with other patients, but I was one of her patients that stood out and impacted her for the rest of her life. She was my angel before I had met my other sweet angel that would live in my heart for as long as I live. I had a wonderful hospital team that wanted to pray and help us heal during this time. I held Isabella and took her to my post-partum room and spent as much time with her as I could. They told me she was mine until it was time to leave the hospital and I had to let the medical examiners take her. She should not be mine for this short time; she should be mine forever. I should be taking her home with me, and not have to give her to a medical examiner. I think about her each and everyday. I sleep with her monkey that we got for her when we found out we were expecting. Our lives will never be the same. We lost our daughter, but gained our guardian angel. She impacted so many people while she was growing inside me, and I will never forget all the memories I made with her and her daddy Ryan. We will always be a family of three, and she is still our daughter. She made us parents, and because of her, we are stronger than we will ever be.

Isabella's Birth Story Part I

Return to Zero is a movie that is currently trying to get to Hollywood. Return to Zero is based on a family that experiences a stillbirth and has to go through all the grieving, and loss. They are also writing a book, and asking for articles, poems, photography, etc. I thought it would be nice for me to submit our story, in hopes that it gets chosen to be in the book. We will find out October 15th if we made it. 

So now I share with you the first part of our story. I will post up part II tomorrow. (It is quite long, and I apologize)

March 2, 2013 was the last time I felt her move. I went to bed knowing that she was doing well after feeling those kicks. It was probably 3AM when I jumped out of bed sweating, scared, after a terrifying dream. I nervously went back to sleep holding my stomach tight. 6:30 AM the alarm sounds for work and I felt no movement. Isabella had a routine, each day when it was time to get ready for work she would kick my right side as I laid on my left. This morning, I felt fear inside of me, and no movement. Call it mother’s intuition. I pulled out my Doppler and searched every inch of my 34-week bump and could not find her heartbeat. Tears rolled down my worried face, as the feeling of loosing Isabella kicked in. I immediately reached for my phone and texted Ryan that something was wrong with Isabella. He told me to call the doctor and that everything would be all right. His words gave me hope that everything would be fine. Hearing dead silence through the phone while the answering service tried to reach the doctor had to have been the longest hour of my life. I was dressed for work, and drove while waiting to speak to the doctor. I made it inside my job, hysterical that I had to leave because something was wrong and I wanted them to see that I was in no condition to be at work. Turns out, I was scheduled to close and not open. I finally spoke to the doctor who appeared worried but tried to stay as calm for me. I drove myself to the hospital. March 3, 2013 is a day I will never forget. I went up and they put me in triage and tried to find Isabella’s heartbeat. It took two nurses, and nothing. They kept reassuring me that she was fine and they were going to order a sonogram to find her heartbeat. I put on a hospital gown and waited for my doctor to arrive as well as the sonogram technician. The sonogram machine rolls in and behind is the doctor. She is whispering to the sonogram technician and I glance up at the screen and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I notice Isabella’s heart is still, still like everyone in the room. The doctor walks around to the left side of the bed, and just stared into my eyes and says, “I’m sorry, it seems we have lost her”. I scream inside and out. I’m alone, waiting for Ryan to arrive. How could this be? I just felt her kick the night before and now she is gone. The doctor takes my phone to call Ryan’s’ mom and I call my parents historically crying. My family immediately drove three hours to Houston to be my support through this time. I received a donated bear from a nurse, and I cried. How could this be happening? That is all I kept screaming out loud and inside of my head. I stared at that bear, held it tight till Ryan and his mom arrived. That was the only thing I had left at that moment. My baby had been taken from me and I didn’t even get a chance to experience late night feedings or diaper changes.

To Be Continued........

So it Begins

This is our first post!! I'm so excited to be taking this journey with Ryan as we cope with loosing Isabella and continue our journey into pregnancy after loss. We wanted a place that we can share our experience with others out there and share our story. We read about miscarriges, stillbirths, and infant loss and we do not think it will happen to us. I remember reading about all this, and the thought of it scared me to death. This was one of my biggest fears in the beginning of my pregnancy with Isabella. I was worried before the 12th week mark and after I passed that my fears lessened. When I didn't feel here move, I would pull out my doppler to here her heartbeat and that gave me a sense of reassurace that she was doing alright in there. 

We wanted to share this new journey with everyone. Ryan and I wanted a place that we can share our story about Isabella as well as our rainbow baby. We are beyond blessed to be expecting February 2014, but of course the fears are still with me. I'm terrified of the thought of loosing this baby, and hope and pray for a miracle. I have a great doctor that is taking every precaution necessary to make sure that baby and I are safe. 

I will be sharing more of our story soon, but I just wanted to say Hello as we start this new journey.